With the passing of Robin Williams, depression once again rears its ugly head into our headlines. I am all to familiar with depression, having suffered from it for most of my life. Depression will bring you down even if you have a loving and supporting family and amazing friends. It doesn't matter if you are famous like Robin Williams or just a regular person like me. We are our own worst critics, and unfairly so most of the time. Depression robs you of your will to do things, prevents you from living life to your fullest. I've had good times and tough times, had to deal with physical pain and mental anguish; everyone does, I can't say that I've dealt with more than others because honestly I don't know. The loss of loved ones has devastated me all too often - my grandfather around my eleventh birthday, a close friend in high school, my grandmother the day before I turned twenty, a seventeen year old neighbor, my high school sweetheart, both other grandparents, another neighbor and some beloved dogs over the years. Everyone experiences loss in their lifetime, we're all in that same boat and need to be there for those that we love to lean on when we lose someone close to us. 

As a teenager when life was getting rough, I would go fishing. After a particularly rough patch, I went fishing and met someone very important to me in my life. She was visiting that summer and although I was painfully shy back then, it was easy to talk to her. Even though we could not really traditionally date because we lived so many miles apart, I always knew we'd get together in the end. She had been born with a very rare disease that was difficult to diagnose and even more difficult to treat. She was also had the strongest faith of anyone that I have ever known - her relationship with God was so strong, and yet she never let it come between us. Almost ten years after we'd met, after a rekindling of our relationship, I spoke with her in the hospital the night before she passed, she sounded OK and told me it would be alright. She had an aneurysm a couple hours later and passed almost instantly.  It hurt a lot to lose her, but it also made me angry because I could not understand how God could put her through the difficult life that she endured even though she had such faith. I was angry for a long time and I felt like I had changed as a person, and I really did not like it. Then when my Dad and I were down in Mexico fishing, on a calm and beautiful day I realized that as a person, I'm not supposed to understand how and why things happen. As a human being I might not have the capacity to comprehend destiny or fate, both of which I believe in.  It was a great burden off my mind, and almost instantly I felt the anger fade away.  It was one of the defining moments in my life, and while it was just one step on a journey, it was an important one.

Around five years ago, when things were not going very well, I decided that I was going to keep a positive attitude, at least on the outside.  We had just had to put Shilo down; she had been having seizures and the medication was helping her live but was robbing her of some of her more defining qualities. I decided that it was more important for me to try and keep a positive attitude, and be more proactively nice to others. I kept coming back to the Italian proverb, "Since the house is on fire, let us warm ourselves." Even though I was struggling personally, if you saw me in public you might think that the opposite was true. And other people treated me differently; they were nicer in return. Imagine if everyone was just a little nicer, how much easier life would be.

Then last year, my Mom succumbed to a disease that had robbed her of her strength and breath. That one has been the toughest so far, because she was the one person whose words would always make me feel better.  When I was down, we could talk and I would feel a little better afterwards. She was honest; when I disappointed her she would tell me, but she would always tell me that she loved me and supported me. I never hid my feelings from her, even though at times I hid my true feelings from myself. Her passing has been so difficult to come to terms with, but she lives in my heart and in my fond memories, and while I will always miss her I can remember the good times, and the things that she taught me and passed along, and it makes me feel a little less sad. I still get very emotional when I think about her; when I watch a movie and someone loses their mom, it's different now, much more personal and it unfailingly makes me cry.  But I try and use those times to remember what made my Mom so special to me, and to remember how strong she was. She passed that strength on to me, and I use it to help me get through the difficult times.

It's important to realize that if you are depressed, ultimately the person you need to rely on most is yourself.  Which is hard, because you may be short on confidence and self esteem.  You have to get yourself help, whether it's just talking to someone or getting up and doing something.  Life is always going to be a series of ups and downs, peaks and valleys. It's important to remember that when you're down, you won't be like that forever. You can break out of a funk in a lot of different ways - do something you enjoy, with someone you enjoy spending time with. Do something different, go somewhere new, hike a trail and explore, be active as you are able and take in some of what nature has to offer. Put yourself in a position to break out of the cycle of depression. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, don't be afraid to do it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's an acknowledgment that you're dealing with something that is important enough to involve someone else. Whether its from a professional counselor in their office or a couple friends at Happy Hour, don't face it alone. You're too important to let depression get you down.