Last year on the 22nd of August, I stopped at Circle K on the way in to work and grabbed a Dr. Pepper instead of my normal Coke.  I had been working on a project that really should have been more of a job for one of the developers, but I was taking a swing at it and had learned a lot over the past few months and was in the final stages of getting the SQL code to do what I wanted it to.  At the end of the day, I'd run the import of Student data into another application and would see how it would go.  I just had a couple more hours of tweaks and then would be ready.  Around 11:00AM, my cell rang and it was my sister.

We normally refrain calling each other during work hours, and she was down checking on my Mom, so I immediately went on guard when I saw it was her. My mom had been back in the hospital fighting the Sjogrens Syndrome that had for so many years made doing the things she loved so difficult.  She had taken a turn for the worse, and the doctors did not know how much time she had.  I immediately tried to contact my boss to tell him that I'd be leaving for San Diego as soon as I was able to, but he was not available and had to send him an email.  I called home and let Carla know, I tried as best I could to finish what I had to at work and would log in remotely when I got to San Diego.  I contacted the commissioner of the baseball league and let him know that I'd be missing the championship game that Sunday, and dropped my teams gear off with him.  On the way back home, I stopped at Sam's Club to buy a case of water, and saw a former student worker there.  He asked if I was OK, I  told him I had to make a last minute trip to San Diego but didn't want to say why.  He told me to be careful, I guess I wasn't very good at hiding that something was really bothering me. He will never know how much I truly appreciated his concern, because I was so scattered that I didn't really have a lot for myself.

It was right before the students moved in, and all of the rental cars at the airport had been rented, so I was going to drive our car.  It gets decent mileage but isn't really very comfortable. I kissed Carla and told Blue to be good and headed down the I-17 at around 4:30PM - a late start for an eight-hour drive.  I wasn't worried about being tired, I was pretty much tired all the time anyway.  I was more worried about losing my focus, dealing with all these emotions.

​Back in 2010, my Mom had a flare that caused her to have to be put into a chemically induced coma in order to have her lungs not fight against themselves to breathe while the ventilator did that for her.  I picked up my Dad at home and he was kind of a mess, which was perfectly understandable.  I made him look me in the eyes and told him that I knew that my Mom would be OK, that she would pull through.  I don't know how I knew that she would, I just did.  He heard the sheer conviction in my voice and saw the truth in my eyes and it seemed to calm him a little, enough to get him focused and get us to the hospital.  My sister was on her way down from Burbank, when she got there I did the same thing and it had the same effect.  So whatever reason, I didn't worry, I knew she would be alright.  After four days, she was brought out of the coma and started a long recovery right before the holidays.

I asked the universe to assure me that my Mom would be OK, so that when I got there I could help my Dad and my sister again.  But I just didn't feel the same way.  It was different, and I spent most of the eight hours trying to come to terms with the fact that she might not be OK this time.  She had fought so hard for so long and maybe it was time for her to stop fighting.  It wasn't really something I wanted to think about, not ever.  But it was a distinct possibility this time.  

I got in around 1:00AM and both my Dad and sister were still awake.  I had to connect to work and run my imports and they went smoothly, then I got a few hours sleep before waking and going to visit my Mom in the hospital.  She was very weak and on a respirator, but I could see she recognized me.  We visited for a little while, then left.  I made dinner that night while my Dad and sister went to the hospital again, I figured they could use a good meal so I made pozole.  

​The next morning, my Dad came in to wake me very early, the hospital had called and said that time was very short.  We all got in various states of dress and I drove us to the hospital.  We tried not to cry, but mostly failed. When we got there we used the phone to have us let in, as it was well before normal hours.  While we were waiting, I heard a voice in my head.  It was the voice that we had given to my dog Shilo, who passed three years before.  I know that might sound silly to some, but she had such a personality that Carla and I spoke for her lovingly and often.  On this morning, I heard her loud and clear.  She said 'Don't worry, I've got this.'  It was reminiscent of at my Grandmother's funeral.  I was keeping it together, trying to be strong for everyone, when my cousin Melissa, who I love dearly, told me I was being so strong.  Like a dam bursting, I started crying with very little control.  

We had a few minutes with my Mom before she passed, she was not conscious but we all said our goodbyes and she faded away.  We spoke briefly with the nurses about arrangements but mostly just cried.  We left and got back to the house around 7:00AM, nobody was all that hungry, my sister and I just went into the backyard and watched the dog and were generally numb.  I called Carla to let her know, she could tell right when we started talking.  I knew I wasn't keeping it together as much as I thought I should be, but I had to be strong.  We made a list of people we needed to tell.  My mom's two best friends, one from college and the other was Pam's mother-in-law.  They would be the hardest to tell, but it wasn't easy telling anyone.  I ended up going to El Camino mortuary and getting information, and making an appointment for later in the week.  

Carla came out and helped immensely that week, and friends and neighbors brought food - which we appreciated tremendously but I usually cook to relax myself. The outpouring of sentiment was inspiring.  We made the arrangements for her memorial and I went back to Flagstaff to work for a few days before returning for the service.

I had a lot of problems sleeping, just turning my brain off.  I wasn't processing the fact that I wouldn't be able to have a two-sided conversation with my Mom again. I believe that I can speak to her and she will hear, but if I ask a question I won't hear an answer. I think that was the hardest and saddest thing for me, that and I'd never hear that little grunt she would make when hugging me - she'd hug harder than I think she should have, but that was because she loved so much. I also don't think I was sleeping well because I was going to speak at my Mother's service and wanted to make sure I kept it together enough to say all that I wanted to honor my Mom with.  I could have spoken for hours, but was going to try and condense it into a few minutes.  Even with a Theater degree, I was still worried - this was very important to me.

​The morning of the service I got up earlier than I had planned and got Maggie hooked up for a walk.  As I went outside, I looked to the sky to the north and saw a full rainbow, with a faint double rainbow above it.  There wasn't any rain or anything, which made it very unusual.  I took it as a sign, as a visit from my Mom, and it helped me get through that day.  There were so many people that came to ceremony, family and neighbors, who are like extended family. And so many friends of my Mom, but also my Dad and sister's friends, and two of my best and oldest friends.  Just the sheer number and quality of the people there made me realize not only how proud I was to be my Mother's son, but how proud I was of her as a person.  

I've struggled a lot since my Mom passed on August 24th, 2013, and in a lot of different ways. I try and look at the positives - the biggest of which is that she no longer has to struggle to breathe and is no longer in pain.  The other thing is that I have the strength that my Mom had, and that I can get through anything, even losing her. 

My birthday this year was the first I had without her.  I spoke with my Dad and my sister and got their cards and others, and was keeping it together as best I could.  Then we had a thunderstorm, and I looked out my back window and saw a huge rainbow, clear as day, seemingly making its way toward our house.  I took a few pictures and it literally seemed to travel right into the house.  It really floored me, it was like she was coming for a visit.  

​Now I look for rainbows all the time.  I know that some are just light refracting off water, but sometimes, it's my Mom saying hello.  I was debating on not posting this, most of my blogs lately have been pretty heavy, but when I went to pick Carla up from work I saw a huge rainbow and I'm taking it as a sign.