I love my new job.  I appreciate having a job again, and the job duties are more challenging and in line with where I want to go career-wise.  But the thing I am enjoying most is being part of a team again, and part of that is getting to know other team members.  During some down time yesterday we had a discussion about injuries, and someone relayed a story about getting a concussion while playing high school basketball, and when the coach asked if they were OK, they told them they were fine.  That struck a chord with me, because it's something I do all the time.  If a coach or teammate asks me if I'm OK, 90% of the time I will say I'm fine or I'm OK, whether I am or not.  (The other 10% I'll say 'I'm good'; usually that's an honest assessment, or the answer I'll give if the 'I'm fine' comment isn't believed.)

 
We're conditioned to downplay anything that is wrong or out of the norm.  I remember hearing a story about my grandfather, who has always been a hero of mine; he was a farmer and at one point broke his foot and required a cast.  If he didn't work, there would be no money coming in, and the cast was slowing him down, so he cut it off before lunch and just dealt with the pain.  When I snapped my fibula in two places, I was 'fine'.  Broken finger during first game of a softball tournament?  Duct tape and 'I'm fine' for the rest of the weekend.  Cartilage tear in my knee?  'Fine'.  Torn posterior collateral ligament?  'I'm OK, we have another game.'  

While I didn't want to let my teammates down in any of these instances, for the sake of my health, I should have at least honestly asked myself how I really was.  This was never more evident than in 1995, when while catching in a playoff game, someone tried to jar the ball loose on a play at the plate, and at full speed rammed their helmet into the side of my neck.  When the dust cleared, and time was called, I had to take a knee and try and get my bearings, as the collision hurt my shoulder and I felt effects of a concussion (I've had enough to know what they feel like).  My shoulder felt like it had popped a little bit out of the socket, I jarred it and felt like it popped back into place.  I got back up, walked around a bit, and when the umpire asked if I was OK, I said 'I'm fine'.  

I was not fine.  I finished the game and with a hit and a walk in my two remaining plate appearances and went home that night very sore.  The next morning, I couldn't lift my left arm over my head, not because of pain, but because it just couldn't go that high.  I could lift it with my right arm, and could move it around, so there wasn't any big impingement or anything, it just didn't seem to want to work.  It didn't get much better through the next week, and the following Sunday we had the next round of the playoffs, and I was back behind the plate.  Catching was painful, I went three-for-four, but we lost.  The season ended for us, and the next one started three weeks after.  My shoulder bothered me but I played through it, but my batting average saw a 300 point drop.  I got my shoulder looked after that season and they didn't see any rotator cuff injury, just wear and tear and attributed it to a soft tissue injury or deep bruise.  Within a year, my shoulder felt better, and my average went back up to the level I was accustomed to.

Since the injury, I've had some issues that seemed unrelated; occasionally I'd wake up and my arm would be numb or limp or in pain, lung issues that did not seem to have an explanation, and terrible headaches.  My shoulder never seemed to come 'all the way back'.  No matter how much I worked out, my shoulder never got as strong as it was, and I put on weight that no matter how hard I tried, I could not lose. The headaches were the worst part, they could last for months at a time with no relief, affect my vision, ruin any good mood that I had.  I've taken medication that helped me cope, but they never really went away.  I have had dozens of appointments with specialists, but none could make any headway.  I got an MRI of my brain, and they didn't see anything that could have caused it.  Then they did an MRI of my neck.

The neck MRI showed that I had sustained an injury that had cracked two of my cervical vertebrae, caused calcification, disc damage and stenosis.  My neck muscles had weakened almost to the point of atrophy, which caused the headaches.  I was prone to pinched nerves because of the stenosis, which caused the pain/numbness and probably the lung issues.  Yes, my shoulder was bruised and yes, it was the most obvious symptom, but it was not the injury that was the most damaging.  

Looking back on the situation, there are two reactions that I had that I feel now that I shouldn't have.  One was having too much pride that I held onto the ball and prevented the run from scoring.  It was only a game, and I sustained an injury that has affected me for the last 21 years, but I to this day am proud that I didn't drop the ball.  And the other reaction was that I said I was fine.  Had I gotten checked out after the game, I might have spared myself a lot of pain, and been able to have the issue addressed when I was younger and more likely to be able to bounce back.

 
When my Mom passed away, I was asked if I was OK a lot.  And it was obvious that I wasn't; in a lot of ways I'm still not.  I started answering 'I'll be fine', with the intention of conveying that I was still not good, but that I was working my way there.  It was also a way of being more honest with myself and others, and a way to try and be positive that although I'm not there yet, I'm getting there.  So next time someone asks you how you are, if you're going to say you're fine, make sure you are being honest with yourself.  It can haunt you if you are not.